1.
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of you left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on each side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to the back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for count of ten
5.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from garden.
6.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wood en ruler into cat’s mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigourously.
7.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on
one side for gluing later.
8.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into
drinking straw.
9.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
10.
Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back onto
it’s hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw away tee-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.
Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.
Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find
heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14.
Get spouse to drive you to emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill
from right eye. Call furniture shop
on way home and order new dining table.
1.
Wrap it in bacon
This is not meant to offend anyone. It is meant to be a bit of fun. A friend of mine emailed it to me. I think anyone who has ever tried to give a cat a pill can relate to this.